Turn Around

Never mind.  It wasn't that big a deal."

But it was. 

It was a perception-shifting, kinda mind-blowing, heart-opening deal.

And...

I stuffed it.

I shut it down.

I got small, and a part of me walked away and stood facing the wall.

I abandoned my Self, and in a way, I also abandoned my relationship.

My experience of the world is Emotional and Spiritual.  I feel EVERYTHING - most things, strongly, and EVERYTHING is connected - the strands of Wyrd weaving together; meaning-making is happening all the time for me.  Most people aren't aware of this reality because I often present as aloof, I soften or otherwise alter my truth based on what my inner Critic thinks is appropriate or palatable, or I refrain entirely from talking about things that I am passionate about.  At some point in my story, I learned to listen well, remember key points, and address things that the people around me deem important. It's a skill that helps make me a good counselor, I think, and it's pretty useful on stage too. I practice the same skill in relationship with friends. I want to and can make you feel heard and understood.  I see you, and I will make sure that you feel seen.  

But you may not see me. Even if you think you do.

Sharing Self is my weakness.  Because Self is strange, and deep.  Self is a mysterious forest full of creatures that have never walked outside the trees.  It's precious and special and unique. And at some point I learned a couple things - first, because Self is strange and deep, it will be misunderstood, disliked, unacknowledged, and unwanted and second, my Self's experiences might somehow outshine the fragile selves surrounding it, and that simply wasn't allowed.  

The message was: "Dim your light.  It's not safe out here." So I did. I still do.

I downplay the things that make my heart beat faster - unless it's a shared
experience that you are enthusiastic about.  The juicy bits that cause my insides to quiver, the electric jolts of synchronicity that blow my mind a little bit, the visions that alter my perception of reality, and the aha, heart-breaking, gut-wrenching moments become tiny, inconsequential, flavorless things that are best ignored, unsaid, boxed up and shut away.

The downside of this survival skill, (I'm sure you realize that's what I'm talking about here) in addition to the fact that it's not fair to the loved people in my life, is that I end up feeling unseen, disconnected, alone, and ultimately sad and angry.  It's a survival skill that honestly doesn't serve me anymore, but the fear of being misunderstood, written off, and abandoned - that fear is a fucking BIG hairy Monster.

At least I think it is.

I haven't actually faced it in a very long time.

Instead...

I stuff, shut down, get small, and turn away.

Here’s the thing…  I’m in a new relationship.  Actually, I’m in Love. The capital “L” kind.  It was accidental. It snuck up on me in the best kind of way.  It didn’t happen because I created a great Bumble profile or said the right thing on a first date.  This Love jumped out of a friendship - the kind that builds over time and grows around a shared passion.  One day, I looked over and saw this person that I’d seen over and over again in the same place for months and months.  And click. Just like that. I knew I was in Love with him. And I feel loved in a way that I don’t remember feeling loved before.  

So.  I have to turn around. I’ve been in relationships where I got away with stuffing, shutting down, getting small and turning away...at least for a while.  And the truth is, I could probably get away with it in this one too. For a while. But I don’t want to. I would like to step in fully. I would like to be seen For Real.  I would like...

To show up for my Self, for this loved person, and for the relationship.  Doing that would lead to more presence in every other area of my life too.  I’m certain of it.

Shit.  

You know what that means, right?  I do too.

Currently, I’m still safe - tucked in, stuffed down, small. I'm still looking at the wall.  Really showing up means I have to turn around, get big, look at that monster, and step forward.

A deep part of me would rather pull my eyeballs out with a crochet hook.

Instead, I’m going to put on my black leather jumpsuit and combat boots, morph into Trinity from The Matrix, and jump.  Or maybe trip. Or maybe I’ll just put on my sneakers and take a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty step. One way or another though, I’m moving.

copyright: Fálki Heiđdóttir

Photo by Rene Asmussen from Pexels