Undone

I was undone.  I did the undoing.  I felt the threads unwinding, but I kept going.  Until I was undone.

And then I sat on the wood floor, half naked, sobbing.  Unhinged.  Outside the body that I've run from my whole life.

And in that moment, I realized that I was safer in my body.  I was safest when fully embodied.  The terror and the nightmare lie in the buzzing empty absent space. Not in my body.  

I stopped drinking for almost a year.  I made the choice from a place of consciousness.

I started drinking again about 2 months ago.  I made the choice in semi-consciousness.

Looking back now, I know why I did it.  I was scared.  The biggest trigger that I have is intimacy.  And it was staring me in the face.  I was sitting on the edge of falling in love.  I was also sitting on the edge of a physical reawakening, even though I wasn't consciously sure of that at the time.  And rather than stay in my fear and feel it fully - embody it and move with it and through it - I decided to have a glass of wine.  It ended up being two, as I recall.

And it was fine.

  

Except in the deeper parts of myself, it wasn't.  I felt uneasy, but I just refused to stay in it.  

And on and on it went.

Drinking wine.  Not all that much.  A glass or two, 2 or 3 times a week.  Undoing.  Unwinding. Checking criteria to make sure that I didn't meet criteria.  I didn't.  I just kept unraveling.

I felt it.  And I just kept pushing it away.  Every drink of wine was loosening my container.  I told myself it was fine.  It's fine.  It's fine. It's fine.  And I WAS getting that little warm fuzzy feeling, so I focused on that.  I focused on that rather than the sense of dissolution.  I ignored my Self.  

I am not ashamed of the fact that I was drinking again.  I'm not.  I'm not sad that I put myself in a place where I felt a sense of my own betrayal.  I'm not.  Because when I came undone, my heart broke again, and I saw clearly.  I finally saw that embodiment is my anchor.  My Body is my safe haven, and I need to be fully in it all the time.  I have nothing to run from and everything to run to.  I need to be fully present in every cell of me - even the fat cells around my middle that have been the subject of so much personal disdain.  Even the parts of me that are holding onto old hurts.  Embodiment isn't just a nice, interesting idea.  It is an absolute necessity.  For me.

I came undone.

My heart broke.  I broke it.

And now I am my own undoneness.  Now I am my broken heart.  

I am here.  I've landed.  At home in the dancing cells of my Body.

~Fálki