Purging

My Body is a living temple of Love.  It is also a deep well of wisdom and a closet full of memories.  Connections never made in my gray matter become clear when I dive deep into my Body.

My Body is a vehicle and a tool for altered states of consciousness, creative expression, and deeply profound connections and healing.  I know it.  And sometimes I avoid deep Body work BECAUSE of that knowledge.

But to be Whole.  To be WHOLE.

Integration.

I've been breathing.  Breathing.  BREATHING. And dancing.  Dancing.  DANCING.  Giving my Self the opportunity to sink into my Self.  And I found dirty things.  Dark things.  And I made a connection I have never made before.

Breathwork last night.  13 minutes in.  Gagging.  Coughing.  Almost but not quite throwing up.  Yelling.  My throat got stuck.  And then more.

Gagging.

Purging.

But wait not yet.  First this.

I'm on the floor under the blanket between his legs.  It's dark.  There's a fire in the room, and his pants are down and his younger brother came in the room and sat down.

His hand is on my head.

Pushing.

His Dad comes in.

He whispers....  "don't spit."

Purging.  The first time on a hill after some beer.  It's magic.  Everything came up.  Everything.

Don't spit.
Don't speak.
Keep secrets.
Hide.

Ok.  I will.  But I can do this too.

Purging.

I didn't eat.  I couldn't binge.  Because there was no more room.  I didn't have anymore room.  I had secrets, and cum and my own voice and desires.

Purging.
Stuffed with other people's secrets.
Stuffed with my own shame.
Swallowing.
Hiding.

And starving but still purging.

What did I swallow that is still choking me?  What did all that purging miss? What's still hiding? Can I release it all?  Can I let it go on my breath and my voice?

~Fálki